Jim Michael

In two and a half days, America will go shopping.

Unofficially the Friday after Thanksgiving starts the beginning of the holiday season for Americans. While this is a season that’s supposed to be of kindness and good cheer, what’s often not talked about is that this is also a season for being obliged or obligated.

Obligated to be kind, obligated to be friendly, and obligated to hide the real emotional truths that you hold in deep…rarely, if ever, to give them voice.

It may seem that anything resembling the sharing of your truths can evoke someone guilting you into feeling bad or wrong for actually feeling what you’re feeling, so you put on a plastic face.

Yes, I’m talking to you…to you, who for the holidays you actually may feel down, blue, or out. To you who are merely tolerating being with other members of your own family, or feel that you, yourself are just being tolerated by others.

And I’m talking to you, who may not have family, who are genuinely making it on your own, and you who feel excluded, outcast, or even not welcome this season.

You are not alone.

The fakeness of others that you may be experiencing is probably real. They genuinely may be faking or genuinely fake. AND. Since you (or I) aren’t going to be able to change this single handedly, here are some things that you CAN do to make it through the season.

Below I’ve created some STOPS and GOES.

• STOP watching the news. Hearing about people assaulting others at a Walmart to get the new Xbox One isn’t going to help your mood. Also, hearing about others having some heart felt reunion may also bring up personal losses that you haven’t dealt with, so, for now, STOP IT.
• STOP focusing on negatives. I just read a Facebook page where someone was having bad experiences with..something…the something doesn’t matter. There were comments after comments after just piling on on their negatives. While it’s important to acknowledge the negatives, STOP FOCUSING on them.
• STOP playing games in your relationships. You can keep on blaming and putting the responsibility onto them. Maybe it WAS their fault, but I’m strongly encouraging you to STOP, look at your role, and YOUR responsibility. You have some. STOP PLAYING GAMES.
• STOP lying to yourself. So regarding the New Years resolution? Just STOP IT. Stop making fake or unrealistic promises that you know you’re not going to do, keep, or go after. Also, stop lying to yourself about your looks, your abilities, your worthiness. You ARE attractive enough, you ARE able, and you ARE worthy.

Here are some GOES:

• GO and take a walk, take a different route, go on a hike (yes even in the cold), start exercising (it genuinely does elevate mood…give it 30 days back to back and let me know). SO GO and move, take different actions.
• GO and compliment you. Say nice things about you, to you. Yes, look in the mirror. SEE you. Say a nice thing about you. Make it real. Even if it’s the dorkiest thing or you think that it’s dumb that you’ve just come up with that, that’s what you give yourself credit for. SO GO and give yourself credit for something. Do it daily for the season. See what happens afterwards.
• GO and surround yourself with people who are uplifting, who genuinely want to be around you, who genuinely get you, and who you genuinely want to be around. If the “other” in your life isn’t meeting your expectations. That’s not saying something about them, but about you. GO and surround yourself with people that you want to be around.
• GO and BE WILLING. If you are not willing to acknowledge that things can be different, things won’t get different. If you are not willing to believe the truth that you ARE worthy, capable, deserving, then with that focus, you won’t experience those qualities that are already there inside of you. So be willing to accept your weaknesses, and, your strengths. Willingness is VITAL and KEY into making any change that you say you want to make in your life. If you’re not willing to make the change, the change won’t happen. GO BE WILLING.

So to all, a good winter season to you. You are the one to make meaning of it and no one else. If the season gets to be too much, talk with a counselor. The counselor doesn’t have to be me, just someone that you trust in. Of course I’d be glad to help, I’ll be around.

This is but one season, and one season of your life. Go into it knowing that you are going to make it through. 2014 is just around the corning. Plan something, anything, that you would like to make happen in the next year.  Make a new music Play list that inspires you to action (I’ve just made a new one for me)–and listen to it. Watch only comedies before bed, and regardless of what else you do, do consciously breathe in and consciously breathe out. Breathing is an excellent tool for living.

~Jim

Self Defeating Beliefs are simply the LIES that we tell ourselves. They are the lies that tell us…

• I can’t 
• I’m not good enough
• I’m not worthy
• I’m crap/scum/etc…
• I won’t make it
• It won’t get better

These are all lies that we tell ourselves. I know I’ve told myself many of these. They were so ingrained that I became a psychotherapist to literally re-train my brain…to know the truth about me: That I’m whole and complete.

I get that the “whole and complete” belief is way out there for many of us…I know it used to be way out there for me, too. When I see clients and just people in general, that’s the vision I try to hold. Do I hold it all the time? Fuck no. When I’m in therapy with someone, though, that’s exactly what I see, and ironically enough, that’s what my client’s don’t see.

Over the past few weeks I’ve seen person after person after person with these lies that they tell themselves. And each has their own story as to how these beliefs got ingrained in their psyche. And it’s within our stories that, it’s my belief, that we need to go.

After all, don’t you question who told you these things in the first place? Because many times what you’ve been told about you wasn’t about you, but was about the person who told you these lies. So for you, who was it? Was it your mom, your dad, you uncle, your aunt? Did they tell your directly, or were they back handed messages?

Think about it. The messages that we receive when we’re kids…by 10 years old, that’s 10 years of messages at least, and 18 years if we haven’t left the home yet. When we’re 10 years old, our brains can’t defend against the messages that we’re stupid, that we just won’t get it, we’re not smart enough, or we’ll never amount to anything.

Like I’ve mentioned, many if not most of the times…it’s the person telling us those messages that feels these things within themselves. The screwed up thing is that they project these lies onto us as children. So if dad said to you that you’d never amount to anything, it’s super possible that that’s exactly what your father thinks of himself.

The thing is, as I said earlier, our little brains can’t defend against this. Why not? Because we were kids. You see, our brains aren’t fully developed till about 25 for women/about 26 for men. So when we take in these lies, we take them in without processing whether or not the message is accurate or true.

THEN what happens is that I no longer need my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, etc…to tell me these things. Why not? Because now I’ve learned to tell myself the lies that they once told me. Their voices are now ingrained as my own. In Therapy Land, these are called Self Defeating Beliefs, and that they are. They are stopping you, defeating you from taking your very next step you YOUR goal, to YOUR ambition, to YOUR dream.

NOW WHAT…

What I tell my clients is what I’m now about to tell you. Your brain CAN re-wire itself. This is called  “Brain Plasticity,” which means that the brain, our brains, YOUR brain has the ability to re-route the very misunderstandings you have about yourself, and come to a different conclusion. A conclusion that you ARE enough. That you CAN do it. That you ARE worthy.

It all starts with the simplest frackin’ things. What simple things? Say nice things to you. Say nice things about you. For those of you who are isolating and just not connected. Mark it down as a WIN if you’ve showered, if you’ve brushed your teeth, if you got out of bed.

Regardless of what the thing is, mark it down as a win if you do something you set out to do, or even if you’ve done something towards getting that something done. No, don’t beat yourself up for not getting the thing done, focus on the part of the thing that you did get done.

Focus on any single thing/action/event that you consider a positive thing, a good thing. Whether you did it, or you saw it happen, mark that as a WIN. Then start keeping a list of WINS. Include the things that are so mundane that you don’t even think about them.

I’ll leave you with one of the things that really was a noticeable WIN for me. I remember SOOO many times when I’d be leaving to go someplace and I forgot my phone. When I first started noticing this pattern, I was judging me to no end. Inside I was beating myself up considerably. Ultimately I’d be late, and I’d be talking myself down all the way to the event.

Fast forward to now. IF I forget my phone (my wallet, whatever), I no longer beat myself up, but I say to myself: “Good catch.” “Good catch! I’m glad I caught that before I got too far. Well done. ”

The  result of the brain re-wiring is increased confidence, hope, and over all life satisfaction. It works.

So start.

~Jim