Sex Got Your Brain?

I get it.

When I said on my front page that “I speak shame,” I can’t think of a area of life that has more shame associated with it than sex. At its worst, shame is about thinking that I’m wrong for being…I’m wrong for being myself…I’m wrong for being me…or I’m wrong for just being alive to begin with. Shame isn’t about something that I’ve done, it’s about me being wrong  (and…that’s the lie).

Often, when I have shame about who I am, that shame can translate into me having shameful sexual expressions. (When I have sex in the park behind the bushes with someone I don’t know, sexual massages that no one knows about, losing time because I’ve spent hours masturbating to porn on the web).

Shame, secrecy and manipulation are KEY INDICATORS of what’s called sexual addiction or compulsivity.

The shame and secrecy can show up when I’m missing appointments, I’m late for work, I’m not doing stuff with friends or I’m blowing them off because I’m either hooking up or surfing porn. The manipulation may show up as me having sex with multiple partners outside my marriage, or that that I’d prefer to masturbate for hours surfing porn or it could mean that I’m hiring people with whom to have sex, or, maybe I’m hiring myself out, rationalizing it as OK, when what it’s really doing is tanking my self esteem.

When I’m judging me for not acting the way I SAY I want to act, and I’m not able to STOP them, then I need to implement change.

Self Judgment (Beating myself up for thinking or doing something that I judge as wrong) doesn’t help, and no, it’s NOT a good motivator to help change actions.

Here are some resources for you. I recommend (ideally) group or individual therapy PLUS one of these meetings to really help you plot your new course. When it comes to 12 step meetings for sexual acting out, they’re called “S” Meetings…and here they are (for the Los Angeles, California area):

As with ANY meeting, you don’t have to raise your hand. You don’t have to share. Actually, you don’t even have to show up. But. Then again, if what you’re doing right now isn’t working, you’re going to have to do something different. 

I also recommend the Sexual Recovery Institute (SRI) to help with what I call out of control sexual behaviors (OCSB), or sex addiction/compulsion issues.

If sex is on your brain to the degree that it is affecting the personal, social, work, and/or community areas of your life, then, go ahead, click on one of the resources above, and of course, give me a call and we’ll set up a time to privately and openly talk about how we can get you some help.

Sex can be great.  But if you’re checking out this page, sex may have you in bondage, and, you don’t want to be. There is help. I’m someone who can help. There are others. And you’re not alone. Not be a long shot! Sex is an expression of CREATIVE ENERGY that IS a natural expression. But when I’m not containing this energy, when I’m misusing it, in my personal terms, then I’m not using my power for good.

To be clear, sexual energy is not bad, wrong, or the like. And YOU’RE NOT bad, wrong, or the like for liking or having so much sex that you can’t COUNT the number of times or indiscretions that you’ve had.

It’s now a question of what do you want? More specifically, what do you REALLY want? What is the sex you’re having telling you about what you REALLY want? (No. I openly challenge you that the sex you’re having is telling you that you’re wrong. I don’ t believe that for a minute). Look at the metaphor for your sex life. What’s it saying?

What differentiates me and how I look at out of control sexual behaviors is that I look at sexual expression as Archetypal “Lover” energy that, in the case of addiction/compulsivity, is coming from one of the shadow sides of the Lover Archetype. The creative energy of “The Lover” hasn’t been contained or channeled into other natural expressions of creativity. 

Other areas in which the Lover archetype expresses is in the Artist, a passion for my job, a “calling” that I have, a scientific equation that keeps me working through the night, a song that I’m writing at 2:00am in the morning. These are all expressions of the Lover.

I look at the Lover and it’s sexual expression, and look for a deeper understanding of it. From my perspective, this deeper understanding will arrest the out of control-ness of my sexual expression. To those who would argue that I must stop the behavior first or foremost, I’m not in any disagreement. I work with both the surface behavior and the deeper meanings. I am looking at the dignity of one’s process and the metaphor of the expression along the way.

If you’d like me to help you with your sexual expression in this area, please call me to set up an appointment at 323 656 3316×4. I’d be glad to help.