Sexual Questions

Sexual Questions in relationships

Are you not getting the intimacy that you need in your relationship or your life?

Maybe you thought things would change…maybe you thought things would turn out differently…but if you’re honest with yourself, things aren’t changing. If they are changing, maybe it’s actually for the worse.  If you and your partner are living parallel lives, if you and your loved one feel like roommates, if you can’t express yourself because they’ll just totally shut down or they’ll actually leave the room and just not talk about it, then change is in order. This is when to seek a relationship counselor or even a sex therapist. But a lot of people don’t really know what a sex therapist is, so here’s how I define it:

Sex therapy is talking with a professional about personal, private, and psychological issues that may be stopping someone from having and expressing their intimacy and sexuality with others.

A sex therapist is a professional whose focus is the sexual and intimate aspects of the relationship. Sex therapy is aimed at helping you have better relationships by talking about the issues of sex and intimacy. Yes, it can help you have sex with your partner if you haven’t been, it can help you have better sex with your partner because sex therapy educates, among other things, that sex isn’t simply mechanical but intimate.

Another issue that honestly needs to be looked at is erectile dysfunction. This is when the male, or one of the partners in a same gender relationship, isn’t able to become fully erect.  I good sex therapist, I know I will, will ask if you’ve seen a medical doctor to rules out “body causes” or reasons that the body isn’t responding. So we have to rule out physical body issues that may be stopping a full sexual expression. Something like arthritis, or diabetes, or low testosterone very well could be stopping an otherwise healthy libido. There’s also the possibility of a side effect from anti depressant medications.

When these things are ruled out, that is, if there’s nothing going on in my physical body that is stopping me from fully expressing my sexuality, then I’m going to look at my personal psychology of sex.

My “psychology of sex,” is how I view sex, and my expression of it. Is sex “good?” Is it “bad?” Is it an “expression of love?” Or “Is its purpose to exclusively to have an orgasm?” My psychology of sex is my inner belief system that actually may be the thing that’s stopping me from fully expressing my sexuality.

Who sees a sex therapist?

  • Smart People. People who care about themselves. People who care about their partners.
  • Couples may come in because one person in the relationship isn’t experiencing fulfillment in their sexual life with their partner…and they genuinely want to.
  • Individuals, or someone who’s been “addicted” to sex, or who is having or has had “out of control” sexual behaviors could benefit from sex therapy in learning how to express their sexual energy in healthy ways. This out of control behavior could be too much porn, bath houses, random encounters, etc.
  • People who’ve paired drugs and sex can learn about their belief systems that may have linked drugs and sex. This could help them unpair the drugs and sex so the person can express their sexuality without the need of drugs.
  • Someone who’s been molested a long time ago and is afraid to have sex with someone whom they deeply love could benefit from sex therapy.

Sex Counseling

The type of sex counseling that I often do is talk about emotionally safer sex, and, physically safer sex. Physically safer sex is along the lines of

  • How can I get this or get that?
  • Is this safe to do?
  • What precautions I can take if I like doing that?

Emotionally safer sex is knowing my personal sexual rules and guidelines, and sticking to them.

For instance, here’s a rule I have (and it may seem funny at first, but…): Rule: Don’t have sex with someone that you aren’t attracted to. How many people out there want to admit…or don’t want to admit…that they’ve had sex with someone they didn’t find attractive. Perhaps it was “pity” sex. Perhaps it was “drunken” sex. What matters is to set up YOUR sex rules and guidelines so that you’re in integrity with yourself and your natural sexual expression.

Please note that I am not a medical doctor.

While I talk about physically safer sex, I’m not a medical doctor. I get my information from medical doctors, medical websites and the like. While I know the symptoms of, and how to get Chlamydia (for example), always consult a doctor for the symptoms and treatment of sexually transmitted infections. If you are concerned about seeing a doc about things because you don’t think they might be “friendly” or open to what your sexual expression is, let’s talk about that. It’s true that some doctors aren’t comfortable talking about sex. It’s also true that some are! And more and more docs ARE becoming aware that thy need to open up the conversation, so they’re learning, too. Talk to a doc.

Sex Coaching

Sex coaching is for people who aren’t really having relationship issues, and who are looking for new techniques. Sex coaching is for people who are trying new things to more fully explore their sexual expression, either with themselves, or with their partner. Please note, I won’t ever be having sex with you or your partner during any of your sex therapy, counseling or coaching sessions. Yes, I’ve been asked about this, and my answer, 100% of the time, is No. I want to keep our relationship clear of all sexual energy so that I can help you and your partner(s) channel yours to a healthier, fuller expression of your creative and sexual expression.