Jim on the radio (internet radio that is)

by Jim on June 21, 2012

Today I got to talk about sex and sexual fantasies on the radio show: “Let’s Figure It Out with Tammeron” (http://www.voiceamerica.com/show/2069/lets-figure-it-out).

One of the things that was cool about it was that we openly talked about fantasies and what they could mean. Rather than dismiss or blow them off, I encouraged listeners to actually listen to their fantasies as if they were a living, breathing, part of us and who we are. I encouraged us to look into the fantasy as if it’s trying to tell us something, as if it’s calling to us. This is more of what I’ll call the Dream fantasy.

Then we started talking about sexual fantasies and three ways and just what does that type of fantasy mean to the man in a man with two women mean. What I shared was that it was about increased confidence, I’M THE MAN!! I’m dominant, sexually powerful, King of the World sort of thing.

On the woman’s side, it can be about surrender and the freedom within that surrender. If, as a woman who thinks (in her own fantasy) that I’m “my man’s” only form of sexual expression and “my man” asks me for a three way, then my self esteem could really tank. Then I could be thinking that I’m not enough, I’m not sexy enough, I’m no longer valued by you as much, my worth is gone, and that sort of thing. It doesn’t have to mean any of that.

Our fantasies can tell us loads of stuff about ourselves and we’re not going to experience all the fantasies that we ever have. But looking at them, listening to the underlying meaning of what they might have to say to us…about us…can help us grow.

As we talked about fantasies we also talked about needing to talk about our sexual needs with our partners, man-man, man-woman, whomever. If we don’t talk about our sexual needs, we’ll never get our sexual needs met. We need to ask for what we want and need. That’s our power. It’s in the asking and how we ask. It’s never in the response as our partner may not have the same fantasies, or even come close to agreeing with ours.

That’s when we need to make a decision, or be ready to make one, about just how important our sex lives are in our relationships. For some couples it can be a make or break issue, a complete deal breaker. For others, it’s not really a big deal. What’s important is to know how important your sex lives are to you, AND, how important it is with your partner, because they may not be compatible. This is important not just for the sake of sex, but sex now can represent where I’m getting my needs met or not getting them met, in other areas of my relationship.

If my needs aren’t getting met, I need to ask for them to be met. I need to ask and show and give feedback that my needs aren’t being met. Then, if my partner isn’t doing what in my fantasy…in my head…what I believe I need, then I have to make a decision. Do I stay, or do I go. I also get to look and see if my needs really ARE needs and not just wants, desires, or whimsical fantasy. When I know this about me, it’s going to help my relationship with you.

So look at your fantasies people, see what they are, see what they may be telling you about you and your deeper desires. See what they tell you about your relationship with your partners, your friends, and most importantly, with yourself.

Here’s to a rich fantasy life!


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