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A friend of mine who lives on the East Coast called and was sharing how he was experiencing challenging times recently. Because I’m, well, I’m me, I asked what was happening.
As the conversation progressed, it was clear he was experiencing the signs and symptoms of what’s called a “depressive episode” in the world of psychotherapy. Most people just know it as “depression.”
For this blog post, I thought that I would describe the conversation that my friend and I had so as to give you a flavor of how and what I was hearing my friend say. This way, maybe in my retelling of this story, you could maybe hear the pain of your friends, or even your own pain.
As we talked, I heard him say that he was just wanting to be left alone. He didn’t want his boss coming down on him, he didn’t want his boss to say nice things about him, even asking how things were. He also didn’t want “to be bothered” going places, doing things with friends.
What I know, is that he was describing isolation and lack of motivation. Isolating and isolation can signs of depression. Now I know that I like to be left alone sometimes, so I wasn’t thinking, “Oh you’re depressed,” I was thinking how I could relate and how I could understand his current situation.
My friend then said he’s starting, or had been building resentments toward people. He talked of how he was being annoyed by everything, even by the smallest of things.
Again, I’ve had those types of days where I’ve gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. This happens to all of us. We’re all human. For me, though, I’m aware that in men, depression can show up as irritation, and anger. I’m aware that women can experience deep sadness or guilt when experiencing depressive symptoms.
Since my friend here is a man, I’m now putting together his irritation, his isolation, and his lack of motivation, and a picture is forming. I didn’t say anything…I just listened, which from my point of view one of the most important things that a friend can do.
He said that he was aware that something was wrong, but the things that he normally does to take care of himself, he just wasn’t doing. He said it was “like…it’s like I don’t want to do anything about it.”
Here, he’s clearly talking about lack of motivation. We all have a lack of motivation at some time or another. This lack of motivation, combined with my friend’s isolation, & irritability are clearly pointing to signs of his feeling depressed. And what I just heard him saying was that his coping skills weren’t working. This is a major red flag.
We all having coping skills. We can listen to music to calm our nerves or to lift us up. We play cards, brush our teeth, maybe wear a favorite shirt, or have a cup of coffee. Everything that we do to inspire ourselves, motivate ourselves, to take actions towards our end goals are all coping skills.
So when my friend said that his coping skills weren’t working, my “ALERT” bell went off. For many people, they may hear all of this a whining or complaining. But my friend isn’t a whiner or complainer. He’s the kind of guy who’s got energy and a smile on his face most of the time.
Then I heard him say something that seriously frightened me. Out of the blue, and almost on a tangential topic, my friend said “I’m not wanting to commit suicide or anything…I wouldn’t mind being in a coma for a while”…he paused…”I thought that maybe I’d like to have the meds like Michael Jackson had.”
This was a biggy for me. I literally sat up in my chair to pay closer attention. You see, what he just described is what’s called passive suicidal ideation. The only time I’m going to think this way, or even have these types of thoughts is when I’m feeling really, really down. It’s at this point that immediate action, if I were his therapist, would need to be looked at and possibly be implemented.
I told him, “Yes, you do, you’ve got the clinical symptoms of depression. Whether or not you have depression, I don’t know” (but I did know). I explained to him that men experience and express their depressive signs and symptoms differently, and that his irritability could be, combined with all the other stuff he had going on were more than enough have a diagnosis of depressive disorder.
He was happy to hear me say this, because for him, he needed to hear something concrete since what he was going through was anything but concrete. It was irritable, it was Eh, it was something inside that he couldn’t put words to. Which is another reason that I listened, and didn’t talk. I know that to help someone who’s going through this, they don’t need to be talked to…they need to be listened to.
When I’m depressed, I may not have the words to describe my internal experience. That’s why it’s so important to know how to verbally express that I’m “happy, mad, sad, disgusted, surprised, or afraid.” Because then at least, I’ll begin to express outside…what I’m feeling inside.
My friend’s telling me that he’d rather be in a coma was the biggest red flag sign that he was clinically depressed in this conversation. But that wasn’t the biggy for him. For him, he told me that he’s felt that way before, so it wasn’t an out of the blue or major red flag for him.
This is an important piece of information! What it tells me, and how I’m hearing this, is that my friend is used to this level and depth of pain. Think about this! How often are we so used to the pain that the pain becomes the new normal for us!
You see, for my friend, who is unabashedly sexual, his libido was down. For HIM, this was the definitive sign he was depressed. He had low or no sex drive, and YES, this is a sign and symptom of depression when combined with the other signs/symptoms that my friend told me he was having.
There are plenty of reasons not to have a sex drive/strong sex drive: Stress, lack of sleep, dissatisfaction in the relationship, too busy, body issues…etc. These are just some of the psychological reasons…I haven’t spoken of the physical reasons we can have low libido.
My friend and I continued the conversation, where I offered him suggestions, and shared my fears. In the follow up to this post I’ll share with you my thoughts and ideas as to the reasons that he was feeling depressed, and some of the things he could do to move through it.
