I can’t emphasize enough how vitally important it is for you to know, honestly and completely, how much you value sex.
While this is one of humanity’s continued taboo topics, our lack of understanding of ourselves with our own sexuality and sexual expression can significantly impact all of our relationships. What will help me about knowing my sexuality? If I know if I have a high sex drive, I know that any partner of mine probably should have a sex drive similar to mine. If they don’t, then I can start feeling like we’re not getting enough sex, like I’m not getting enough sex. I could start building resentments, I could start blaming my partner: “They’re too small,” “They aren’t big enough for me to get into,” “they should just want it like me.”
If I have a naturally low sex drive, and my partner has a large sex drive, I can feel like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a failure as a partner (as a wife, as a husband),” and even “I’m not a good person.” These aren’t that “out there,” for what we can feel if we’re “not providing enough sex” for our partners. While these thoughts and the feelings that go with them aren’t true, it takes a toll on the relationship that I’m in.
I need to know what sex is to me. If I’m a person for whom sex is about inserting my penis in to your vagina or anus, that’s one thing. If I’m a person for whom sex means caressing me, touching me, saying sweet nothings, maybe an occasional whispering in my ear of how much I mean to you, this is an entirely different thing. We might as well be on different planets.
So far I’ve touched on my 1) sex drive and 2) what sex means to me. There’s a lot more to know. Is it okay for me to like this? Is it okay for me to like that? Will I get hurt if I do this? Will they? Am I good enough? Am I weird because I like….and on and on and on.
I work with people who have questions about sex. I create a space for people to talk openly and honestly about sex. We talk about getting your needs met, getting your partner’s needs met without losing you. If you have questions, we can set up a couple of coaching sessions or therapy itself. Regardless of whether or not you want to have conversation with me about sex, learn about it, you may just find that sex has much more of a meaning to you that insert this into that. ~Jim